Sad News

I'm sure everyone has heard that Michael Jackson died earlier this afternoon. He was by far the greatest entertainer in my lifetime and I've been listening to his music since I can remember.

People die, I get that. The part that is sad is how he will be remembered. Not as the great entertainer he was but as a pedophile. Did he diddle all those little kids? I don't know. What I do know is that he was never found guilty. I also know that most fucking people smell blood in the water better than a great white shark so once the first person made the accusation everyone that had ever met him piled on. If he did actually do these reprehensible deeds you can rest better at night knowing his justice is being served to him right now by whatever religion you think is the right one.

For what it's worth, I'm going to sit here and listen to the rest of Billie Jean and remember the times when I was 6 years old trying to moonwalk on my coffee table.

Pieces of Shit

So I came across this ad this morning on craigslist and it pissed me off to no end:

I bought this puppy for my girls one week ago with tears in there eyes begging me to buy this puppy, after seeing how much work is involved, they want to bail out of there obligations. I would love to keep her but I personally do not have the time at this moment and thought that getting her would be a sound investment so that I would not have to harass any young boys trying to get my girls attention and involve them into the wrong activities. I would like for the puppy to go to a kind home. She is very playful and happy, I would only like this in return for her. I paid 375.00 for her. I will take 350.00. If you are interested please contact immediately. Thanks.

Wow bitch, what a great life lesson you're teaching your little girls (who will surely grow up to be bitches themselves). Take on a responsibility without thinking it through and then just dump it on someone else's lap with no consequences. Oh sorry, you're taking a $25 hit, what a fucking saint.

I almost want to reply to this ad then show up with a girl that can punch this bitch in the face ('cause I can't).

Numb

So our generation is supposed to have been desensitized to sex and violence through the media. I have the unfortunate pleasure of being desensitized through everyday events. As if my 2008 wasn't bad enough please allow me to present another story for your review:

Last Friday morning I was sitting at my desk and was actually quite busy when my phone rang. It was the little brother and the first thing he said was 'You're not going to believe what happened.'

Apparently he went into the basement and found the window had been kicked in.

'Ok', I said 'Start looking around and see what's missing'. A couple minutes later he called back and said my cordless drill was gone. I told him that was enough, call the cops. While he was waiting on the cops he called me back and said both my guitars were gone.

The cops got there and began the investigation. They said it was going to last about 2 hours.

Here's where the story actually takes an awesome turn. Little brother calls me about an hour after the cops showed up and said they got the guy in custody. I said 'Hold that bitch down until I get there'. I left work, checked the house for anything else missing then went to the police station to claim my stuff. After making some smart ass remarks about the meth lab raid from last year I was happy to find that none of my stuff had not so much as a scratch.

This was the 5th offense for this guy and he was already on probation. Not only was he dumb enough to rob some of the items with the least value, he also cut himself on the window getting in , poured gas on the floor to cover his tracks and actually knocked on the door and asked Brother Lou if there had been any disturbances lately. Brother Lou go tot ID the guy at the police station. First degree breaking and entering and burglary - this bitch is going away for a long time.

Doesn't Take Much to Impress Me

Yesterday I got a coupon from a coworker for some free Burger King Burgers and it just so happened that I was passing by one on the way back from an appointment so I figured 'what the hell, let's see how fat you can get'. The coupon was for a free Steakhouse XT and apparently there a couple different varieties. I opted for the Mushroom Swiss.

Typically I never eat fast food unless I'm in a real hurry or I'm drunk so this meal was kind of like a treat.

I got back to the office to eat and after one bite I put this sandwich down in disbelief. It was probably the best food I've ever had from any fast food establishment. This shit was so good they could sell it at Fridays or something for $8. The burger was huge and there was this awesome bbq sauce and the mushrooms actually tasted like mushrooms. Still hesitant to try one? Maybe I should mention it has bacon and onion straws on it too.

I should not be this easily impressed by a fast food burger. I am very disappointed in myself.

Movie Review - Star Trek

***Contains mad spoilers***

Ok, so I was a little biased coming into this movie as I was always a Star Wars fan and really looked down on Trekkies as the nerdiest people on the face of the earth. That being said, I really, really enjoyed the latest entry in the movie series.

I'll start by saying my favorite feature of this movie was the fact that they could have just filled it with cheesy lines but did not. Sure, some of the famous sayings were there but they were done in a pretty humorous way.

The movie started the way any good action movie should, with tons of shit blowing up. The action scenes were excellent and the special effects were probably the best I've ever seen.

Characters: The movie was based around character development and they delivered. I never really watched the original series that much but everyone knows who the players are whether you watched the show or not. The guy that played Kirk was perfect. Kicking ass and banging green chicks. Spock was pretty good too but I think the best job of recreating a character was the guy that played Bones.

My only annoyance with the movie: I didn't really like the fact that they brought the original Spock back and I certainly didn't like the fact that he talks to himself at the end. If I was making the movie I would have had the future Spock make an appearance only to be killed off before any of the current characters showed up. I think in the movie they say he's something like 150+ years old anyway. Time to go.

Here's what makes me angry - Growing up a Star Wars fan I was really looking forward to the Phantom Menace 10 years ago and was very disappointed as I'm sure most of you were. Then, here comes the Star Trek prequel and it kicks ass right out of the gate. Fucking George Lucas....

Anyway, put your coolness aside and see the movie, it kicks ass.

Recipe for an Incredible Day

-Wake Up
-Enjoy Coffeez and Criossantz from Sheetz for breakfazt
-Journey to brew pub and enjoy delicious nut brown ale and heifewiezen (sp?) and spinach/artichoke dip for lunch
-Arrive at parking lot for NASCAR race
-Make drink using 100 proof Captain
-Set up EZ-UP and fire up the grill
-Huddle under EZ-UP during torrential downpour while slugging booze
-Admire crazy hot blonde next to us
-Feast on perfectly grilled brats, corn on the cob and bacon
-Introduce newcomers to Beerski
-Walk to track
-Lose voice screaming for your driver
-Sniff in race fuel and tire smoke fumes
-Watch your driver finish an impressive second
-Laugh like crazy while trying to steal parking cones in a moving truck
-Get 9 hours uninterrupted sleep and wake up without a hangover

Sooth Sayers, Nostradamus, Dreams and Shit

Let me take you back. The date was December 24th, 1992 and I had just fallen asleep. I was 15 years old at the time and like every 15 year old my main concern was getting some wheels. I had this pipe dream that I would get a Mustang and be the coolest kid around. Well, that night I had a dream where I came down the stairs Christmas morning and opened up my last present to find the last box contained a Mustang emblem. It was a pretty cool dream.

So I wake up that Christmas morning and come downstairs to have breakfast and open presents and such all the while not giving much thought to the dream I had just had. I got done with the presents and I had gotten a nice sized check for my 'big present' so I was content. A little bit later my Mom said, 'Jesse, there's one more present. It's outside.' I walked outside and my jaw literally dropped. Perched on the top of the hill soaking up the rays of the rising sun was a candy apple red 1967 Ford Mustang coupe! I've never been so surprised in my life. Disclaimer - we're not rich and I wasn't one of those little spoiled kids that you hate, my Mom and her boyfriend at that time fixed up a real POS for me late nights

The point of the story is to tell you about a dream I had 2 years ago. In this dream I hit the Mega Millions and won exactly 220 million dollars and spent the rest of the dream spending it. I still remember the dream vividly.

Guess how much the jackpot is tonight? Yep, 220 million dollars. I got 10 tickets. Wish me luck.

Why I'm So Biased

So I've written a few blogs about the automobile economy and I always stick up for Ford. I feel I should lay out a couple reasons why. So, without further dudes, here are some stats on my truck:
2003 Ford F150, V8, extended cab, long bed
-Purchased new October '02, 9 miles on the odometer (I added 5 in the test drive)
-This morning 163,500 miles, Six and a half years old
-Total money spent excluding standard maintenance: about $1,000
-Reposed: twice (each one bank error and me being lazy)
-Things jumped over: sand dunes, snow drifts
-Driven on beach: six years in a row
-trips to Florida: 4
-Trips to Vermont and points north: 4
-Most dogs hauled: 4
-Most people hauled: 6
-Boats hauled: 3
-Max Load hauled: 1 ton (twice the rated capacity)
-Number of times wrecked: 2
-Oil changes: 30+
-Sets of tires: 3
-Things the truck has done more times than I can count: gotten me home safely, never left me on the side of the road, helped numerous friends move, helped set up the March for the Animals, kept firewood in our stove, deterred thieves from breaking into my landlady's garage and looked tough in my driveway

There's a line in a Merle Haggard song that goes 'wish a Ford and a Chevy would still last 10 years, like they should'. He's right, they should.

Obviously I'm knocking on wood so hard right now I just punched a hole on my desk but I think everyone needs something this dependable in their driveways (and lives). With my luck I'll probably end up stranded on the side of the road today.

Oh yeah, please do not comment on how your Honda or Toyota has 200,000+ miles and all that shit because you know what, they have not worked nearly as hard as my truck has. I put it to the test for every one of those 163,000 miles. It was my lifeline when I was self employed and I beat the shit out of it.

Yuppy wanna be lifesaver idiots

So I'm driving up a busy road yesterday afternoon well before rush hour and I come upon some slow traffic. Turns out someone coming in the other direction plowed into a telephone pole and damn near knocked it over. There was carnage everywhere.

Wrecks happen, whatever. Here's what pissed me off. While I tried to turn around and get the hell out of there as fast as I could, a couple people had stopped and gotten out a mere 50 feet from this downed power line.

Boom! A tree fell on the line and there was this exlosion! Did this get these idiots back in their cars and out of the way? No! Fucking idiots thought it was a fireworks show or something.

Boom! Second explosion! I don't know about the rest of you but I'm getting the fuck out of here so the rescue workers (that were already on the scene) could do their work.

So listen dumbasses, get back in your Prius and let these people do their jobs. I don't think you or your mock turtleneck sweater are going to be much help. And wash the gray frost out of your hair. It doesn't make you look smart.

Fuck You, April

With apologies to Fuck You, Penguin please accept the following blog for your consideration.

Hey April, I was driving to work this morning and you know what I got hit with? Snow! It's fucking spring! Where was this shit in December and January when I wanted to go skiing?

May is way better then you April. You have nothing to offer. Opening Day? Sucks. Even cliches write you off; April showers bring May flowers. Ha! May pwn3d you.

I don't know from one day to the next whether to wear shorts or put on a fucking ski coat. This awesome tree in my yard just bloomed and now everything is probably gonna die. Thanks April, I've been waiting all year for that tree. Fucker.

Oh yeah, enough with the rain and wind already.

The Great Convenience Store Debate

As I was driving to work this morning I saw a brand new 7-11 and a sign for a new Royal Farms. That got me thinking about my favorite conv. stores so I figured I'd put it down in blog form. I will rate the stores on the following criteria: food, gas, locations. This will be limited to the Baltimore metro area so it will not include places like Circle K (which I've only been to twice). Here goes.

Food-
The most important criteria for any convenience store and a tough one to pick a winner. Most Royal Farms have really awesome fried chicken and halfway decent subs so they get a B+. 7-11 has the most horrific food imaginable but also has my most guilty food pleasure of all. The cheeseburger big bite. These things are nasty but sooooo good. I douse them w/ chili and liquid cheese for an extra dose of nasty. 7-11, you get a C-. Sheetz for many years was the one store I would never shut up about. I couldn't pass one without going in but they fell out of favor a few years ago because they started getting their heads up their own asses about how awesome they were. Anyway, they've since throttled back and are now in my top 2. Chili mac & cheese kicks ass along with their ridiculously good burgers and pork sandwiches. Sheetz receives an A-. Finally, my favorite. Wawa. They've gone from a simple little sub shop to having any convenience store delicacy you can imagine. Breaded & grilled chicken sandwiches, wraps, soup. Everything. Not to mention the best meatball subs you can get without going to an actual pizza joint. Wawa, I love you, you get an A+.

Gas-
I love all convenience store gas because most of them (with the exception of 7-11) buy their fuel from the cheapest broker and not a standard oil company. Royal Farms typically has the lowest prices depending on location. I guess there's a 3 way tie at the top for fuel with Wawa, Royal Farms and Sheetz. 7-11 is often tied in with Citgo and most locations don't even has gas. Fail.

Locations-
I think royal Farms is becoming a B-more landmark right behind Natty Boh and the O's. You can't go 2 miles in any direction without running into one. There's even a stretch on either Dundalk Ave or Ponka St. where there are 2 stores separated by only 1 block. I never really understood this. Anyway, there's probably more 7-11s but allot of them are in shitholes. I give the victory to Royal Farms. 7-11 second followed by Wawa and finally Sheetz.

In summation, I guess if there was an intersection that had all 4 stores mentioned above and I had my choice I would go to the Wawa.

You Other Websites Need to Step Up

When I was growing up one of my favorite publications was the Bargaineer which could be found in Harford and Cecil counties and was free at most grocery/convenience stores. I would eagerly anticipate the arrival of the next weeks edition and you could always teel because it would be in a different color than the previous weeks'. The Bargaineer had everything in it but was mostly useful for it's auto section. I'm not sure I ever actually purchased anything from the bargaineer with the exception of a cord of firewood or something.

Enter the new millenia. Enter Craigslist.

In my humble opinion craigslist is the most usefull site on the entire internet. I can still click on CNN to get news or whatever but where else can I go to find everything I would ever want? Every time!

Here's a list of things I've gotten off of c-list:
-My house - ok, so I rent but my house is pretty sweet and affordable
-My roommate - I was a little scared about creepy internet guy but it couldn't have worked out better
-My camera - nice camera, cheap
-My bedroom set - I had an idea of my perfect bedroom set and thought I was going to have to build it myself until I found EXACTLY what I was looking for
-My TV - It wasn't good enough that I got a 53" digital projection tv for $300 but the guy found it necessary to throw in the gorgeous Ikea entertainment center in for free
-Little Brothers Car - this hasn't panned out perfectly but it's not the site's fault

I've had good luck selling things on this site as well-
-My Bass and Amp - got exactly the money I was looking for
-Work stuff - I've had 5 sales off this site in the past 2 months

Here's a suggestion for those that may become bored at work; read the 'best of craigslist' entries. These posts are some of the funniest around. I just discovered the rants/raves section which is another hilarious way to get through a slow day at the office.

One thing I would never trust this site for; dating. No f'n way. Too creepy.

Ford keeps doing the right thing

Well, hopefully this is the right thing and it doesn't sink them.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090331/ap_on_bi_ge/ford_car_payments

If you don't feel like reading the article it basically says Ford will cover the payment of your new car purchase for a year up to $700/month if you lose your job. I kind of want to buy a Mustang Cobra and then try to get fired. Just in time for summer!

Maybe it's just a ploy to get GM employees to buy Ford as most of them will be unemployed soon.

This company keeps doing what seems to be the right things. I think if you're going to burn all this damn money on worthless ass GM and Chrysler you should at least give Ford something for running their shit right in the first place. Tax breaks? Fuel efficiency research grants? Something.

You Know It's Good Because It's Made In Germany

There are a few groups of people that I would love to strangle the life out of. Among them are infomercial guys. Mostly I hate Billy Mays as I haven't seen enough of the Shamwow guy to really hate him.

Apparently the Shamwow guy couldn't get enough ass from his TV gig so he had to pay for it. Last month he was arrested for beating up a hooker after she tried to bite his tongue off. Shamwow guy wanted to make out but the hooker was all about business. Kissing a hooker? Gross! Don't you know where that mouth has been? Dumbass.

The whole story instantly made me think of this:

Didn't he watch Pretty Woman? Everybody knows you're not supposed to kiss hookers.

Perfect Movie Casting

I read the other day that someone was going to make a Three Stooges movie and I thought that would be pretty dumb. They did however put together a really top notch cast for this movie. Check this out:
Moe - Benecio Del Toro
Curly - Jim Carrey
Larry - Sean Penn
More than likely this movie is going to suck even with this kind of star power.

I also read a while ago that they were going to make an A-Team movie and John Singleton was to direct but apparently everything is on hold. I started thinking of my own dream cast for this movie. It goes a little something like this:
Hannibal - Bruce Willis (grizzled, tough and funny at the same time)
BA Barracus - Ving Rhames (only big black guy I could think of besides M Clark Duncan)
Murdock - Jim Carrey (I feel he was born for this role)
Face - Brad Pitt (obvious)
Could you imagine this movie?

Some movies I feel were perfectly cast:
-Sleepy Hollow by Tim Burton (Walken kicked ass in a non-speaking role)
-Batman and Batman Returns (who knew Michael Keaton could pull it off. Then Jack and Devito as the respective bad guys, awesome)
-Indiana Jones (they originally had Tom Selleck slated for this role, glad they wised up)
-SlingBlade (who knew Dwight could act?)
-Fight Club (Helena Bonham Carter needs to be in more flicks)
-Unforgiven (still my favorite Clint movie, I know it's an obvious one, sorry)
-X-Men (the original one. I don't know about the comics but from what I hear all the characters were dead on)
-The Last Samurai (call him a quack all you want, Tom Cruise can act)

Here are a couple of my most poorly cast movies:
-Star Wars Episode 2-3 (damn do I hate Hayden Christiansen)
-Batman and Robin (Clooney was the worst Batman ever and who could stand Robin?)
-The Patriot (I love this movie but cannot stand Heath Ledger in it)
-Bad Boys (I never bought Martin Lawrence being a cop)
-Robin Hood (I've always believed Kevin Costner to be really overrated)

That's all I can think of right now.

This Old Lady at the Park

A couple weeks ago we met this old lady at the park near the house and she had 3 dogs of leash and listening to her every command. We chatted with her for a couple minutes and I've seen her up there a couple times and always said hi but it wasn't until today that I actually talked to her for a considerable amount of time. It turns out she's had what I considered to be a pretty cool life. Kids, living in cool places and stuff like that.

Then she told me that she had just moved to the area with her dogs about 2 years ago. I asked 'Oh yeah, where did you move from?'. 'The Bahamas', she said. 'You moved 3 dogs from the Bahamas?' I asked. 'Yep, they're my dogs' she answered matter-of-factly.

Now I'm going to put this into perspective. This self-described decrepit old lady (I guess to be mid 70s) had the patience to move 3 fairly large adult dogs from the freakin Bahamas but all these yuppie fucks on craigslist are getting rid of their dogs because they're too lazy to find a home that accepts pets? Fuck! She's at the park EVERY DAY!

It must be a generational thing. This little old lady can handle 3 dogs, my Mom handled us and dogs and cats and whatever else but nobody now seems to be able to control their shit. Don't believe me? Go on the pets section of craigslist and look how many people are 'rehoming' animals due to work or moving or having kids or just plain fucking laziness. Makes me sick.

My Take on the AIG Bonuses

So I'm sure everyone knows about the AIG bonuses so I'll keep the wrap up short. Basically AIG got close to $200billion in bailout money then spent nearly $200million to pay bonuses. Now everybody is really pissed.

Don't get me wrong, I'm pissed too, BUT I fail to see where an entire week of congressional debates should be spent trying to get this money back. As pissed as I am about this it's not that much money in the grand scheme of things. They're basically spending all this time trying to recoup the cost of 1-1/2 F-22 Raptors (that's what Starscream is for those that don't know).

This shit should have been taken care of before the buyout. Someone should have said 'Look here assholes, we're keeping you from going under w/ our bailout so you're playing by our rules now. Say goodbye to your undeserved bonus fucker.'

Proponents of the bonuses claim they need to remain intact to help with employee retention. Retain the same decision makers that fucked everything up in the first place? Awesome.

You know what, let them keep their bonuses. That way they hopefully stay w/ AIG and don't go to other banks to fuck them up too. Apparently most of these fuckers don't even need the money as some of the money has been given back.

Note to Congress: When you make a mistake and curing it will cost more (theoretically) than just letting it slide, just let it slide and move on to more important things.

JC to Nuclear Subs: Stop Running Into Each Other!!!!!!

For the second time in as many months a fucking nuclear submarine ran into another vessel. This time it was one of ours.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090320/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_us_navy_ships_collide

Of all the millions of square miles in the ocean and the billions of dollars invested in navigation and sonar equipment you would think that a NUCLEAR FUCKING SUBMARINE would be able to avoid anything in it's path.

I'm sure that driving a 100,000 ton machine (or however much they weigh) is not easy, but if I can find a way to park my truck in Fells on a Friday night these highly trained captains can certainly stop putting us on the brink of a nuclear apocalypse and learn how to drive.

Fuck.....

The Hardest I've Ever Laughed in my Life

I just teared up watching this:

There's a special spot in hell for you, you little asshole

The most convenient dog walking park for me is Double Rock Park located smack dab in the middle of frickin Parkville. 'Wow, what a shithole' you must be saying to yourself. Quite the contrary. Double Rock is usually empty, mostly free of trash and even has a cool little waterfall area. With it's 2+ miles of trail I think it's one of Bmores hidden gems. The only problem, sometimes, is the kids.

Most kids I've met there seem pretty cool. Some were sledding one time. Some like to sit on the rocks and just bullshit. There's little bits of stupid graffiti here and there but nothing really glaring.

There's also a really nice park bench made of marble overlooking the waterfall. Not only is it a really nice bench, it was dedicated to the memory of a lady that died of cancer. It has her name and the dates etched right into it. It always made me feel good because I thought 'This bench is going to be here for a super long time. Nobody's gonna mess with that thing. It's too beautiful'.

Wrong.

Today as I climbed up the rocks adjacent to the waterfall I came upon the bench and noticed the 'bench' part (you know, where your ass goes) was ripped off, flipped over and thrown on the ground. I was filled with so much rage I wanted to punch the next little son of a bitch I saw. Lucky for the kid on the bike I saw 15 seconds later I have some restraint. He was actually nice and waved anyway.

The point is this; whether or not you believe in hell, karma or whatever, I feel the bad deeds you do in your lifetime will come back and fuck you right in the ass. I'm by no means a religious man but this is the only thing that keeps me going. That me being a good person and working hard will bring good things to me. I guess it gives me a sense of entitlement. Is that wrong? Maybe.

I've often found solace in the fact that the fucking monsters that can do something like this will get there's in the end. That's why I'm not big on revenge. Karma (or whatever you want to call it) is gonna get those sons of bitches in the end anyway.

South Park

It was a cold rainy night in the fall of 1997. My buddies and I were settling in for a night of drinking and running some Playstation (1). Little did I know that night would change my life.

My buddy Scott had a video tape with him and he told me that on the video was the funniest, most outrageous show he'd ever seen. I figure 'what the hell' and pop it in the VCR. What followed was the funniest 3 hours I've ever seen in my life. On this tape were the first 6 episodes of a new show. It was called South Park.

Over the next few months the show took over everything (mostly Spencer's and stores like that). I even wore a Beefcake shirt to my company Christmas party that year. Even my Dad watched the show. I was so happy to have something so hilarious in my life. It didn't really have any kind of message and it didn't need to. It was just funny. I figured I better enjoy it while it lasts because this is way too awesome to keep going like this. It's either going to get canceled or it's going to run it's course and just not be funny any more.

Well, it's now almost Spring of 2009 and they just kicked off their 13th season. Is it still funny? You bet your fucking ass it's still funny. To me, the series peaked in it's 10th year. That's right, 10th year. That year brought hilarious episodes such as Manbearpig, Tsst (a spoof on Cesar Millan) and Cartoon Wars which I initially thought was preachy until I watched it again and realized it was just pure genius.

All praise be to Matt and Trey, the creators, writers and voices of South Park. They've been including messages in some of the episodes lately but have never really taken a stance one way or the other. What they do is inject a common sense into the issues while keeping the humor top notch (but raunchy). This carried over in a big way when they branched off and made the movie Team America: World Police where they just laid into everybody.

For a while I was buying dvds of all the seasons and had gotten up to season 5 when I heard about SouthParkStudios.com which is the resource for every uncut episode ever made. All this entertainment at my fingertips? I love you Matt and Trey.

Oh, you don't like South Park because it's stupid? It's supposed to be stupid, it's a comedy, get over yourself.

A list of things which put together would not equal the hilarity of 10 seconds of the worst episode of South Park ever:
-Dane Cook
-Larry the Cable Guy
-any sitcom still on TV
-Carlos Mencia

I know it's going to all come to an end one day and every time they premier a new episode I always think 'Oh damn, this is going to be the year it all comes crashing down. Now it's going to suck'. Lucky for me that time hasn't yet come.

Crazy Ass Dreams

As some of you already know I'm prone to having some really vivid dreams. I wish I had more expendable income so I could hire a dream interpreter. Actually, I wish I could remember them all so they could be turned into movies. They would probably be those movies that teenagers and college students would get high and watch over and over again.

Luckily, I woke up this morning and remembered most of my dream. It went a little something like this. Brace yourself.

My roommate and I were driving around and for some reason he took me to this brothel in what seemed to be Mt Vernon. I approached the door and there was one of those little sliding things that the guard looked through to let you in. The guard slid it open and smoke poured out then he said some shit in Russian. Then I said some shit in Russian and he let me in.

When I walked in shit got even weirder. Some guy that came in after me was allowed to go ahead of me because he was a regular. I was hanging out by the counter waiting behind about 15 dudes that were all sitting in chairs waiting their turns. Near the back of the room there was couples counseling which I thought was a little strange in the middle of a brothel. I remember some chicks walked by with a guy and for some reason I took my shoes off. I guess I thought my turn was coming up.

Apparently my luck in my dreams sucks as much as in real life because no sooner did I take my shoes off, in comes 2 Baltimore City cops. I kind of backed up and snuck out the door. So here I am, barefoot and stuck without a ride in the city in the middle of the night. I tried to call my roommate but I didn't have cell service. I figured I better start walking home.

I started running barefoot through the city and ended up in one of those ghetto blocks between Fells and Little Italy. I saw a building that looked inviting so I went to go inside. It was then that some little kid threw a screw at my head. He must have thought I was a cop because as soon as he threw it he looked all scared and took off. When I got in the building it was like a scene from Mad Max or something because there were people all over the place listening to heavy metal and there were random fires in barrels and shit like that.

I started walking around this place and found a back room that had an exit door. When I got to this room I was shocked to find my roommate sitting at a table with one of those big ass maps like submarine commanders use. Apparently he was plotting our escape.

The dream got a little hazy after this but I remember something about going to a NASCAR race.

Needless to say I'm a little tired this morning. Vivid dreams like this creep me the hell out.

Hey GM, take notes

Maybe I'm a little biased because I've always been a 'ford guy' but stories like this make me happy:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090311/ap_on_bi_ge/ford_uaw

It seems as though the company that invented the automobile is leading once again. To be able to reach concessions with a union in middle of a recession seems incredible to me. Wages are only $7 per hour higher than our foreign competition. Hopefully that will keep some more jobs right here. Ford is also consolidating plants and converting one to focus more on smaller, more efficient cars.

So far I think this company is doing the right things. I hope they emerge from this mess stronger than ever to bring a little more pride back to 'Made in the USA'.

This Shit is Sad - Part II

This is not my work. I feel if I keep posting them maybe one person will see it and it will make a difference.

HOW COULD YOU?

When I was a puppy I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" - but then you'd relent and roll me over for a bellyrub.

My housetraining took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed, listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs," you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.

Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love. She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" - still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy.

Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love." As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them, especially their touch - because your touch was now so infrequent - and I would have defended them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams. Together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway.

There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being your dog to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.

Now you have a new career opportunity in another city and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family. I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog or cat, even one with "papers." You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a goodbye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too.

After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?" They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you - that you had changed your mind - that this was all a bad dream...or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me.

When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited. I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table, rubbed my ears and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood. She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?" Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself - a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. With my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not meant for her. It was you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of. I will think of you and wait for you forever.

May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty

(Another) Sure Sign You Are At A Good Party

As if a passed out mexican wasn't enough of a sign your party is rockin' allow me to present "passed out Indian dude in dog bed"

Fuck the Amish

Most people are like 'oh neat, Amish'. 'They're so cool and wholesome. I wish I could be like them for little while to escape the rat race!'

Well, you know what, FUCK the Amish. I hate those sons of bitches.

Hey JC, you're just being intolerant of their ass backwards ways. Think so? Let me shed a little light on why I hate the god damned Amish.

1) Puppy Mills: This is mostly where my hatred of the Amish comes from. They treat these animals like livestock only worse. If you want to classify dogs as livestock fine, but treat them better than this:

Indiana Amish Puppy Mill @ Yahoo! Video

The bastards are heartless. The female dogs will sit in there cages where they are forced to breed until they die. I've seen a dog rehabilitated because it had never touched grass with it's feet and was terrified. Fuckin sick. I got an email that Wayne Pacelle (the head of the Humane Society) was going to be on Oprah last year to expose these puppy mills so I tuned in. It went a little something like this:

This shit needs to stop.

2) Now that I've settled down a little I'll tell you why else I hate these SOBs. Hypocrisy. Oh, the Amish can't use technology or electricity or anything like that. How about you stop roller skating down the middle of the fucking road on your polyurethane roller blades! Pretty sure you didn't make those in your woodshop Eli. And would it kill you to pose for a picture? Retards think the camera's going to steal their souls.

3) Play by our rules. I'm all about separating church and state. Therefore the Amish better start paying all the same shit I have to. Ex: [edit] The Amish gain exemption from social insurance programs in the United States
In 1965 the United States Congress allowed the Amish to be exempt from the Social Security tax, following a persistent resistance campaign from some Amish who regarded insurance programs as mistrustful of God and therefore against their religious teachings.[43] See 26 U.S.C. § 3127 and 26 U.S.C. § 1402(g) (this exemption also covers Medicare taxes).

So I can be exempt from bullshit Social Security because of religion? Sign me right the fuck up.

4) Get over yourselves. Just let it go. You're not being cool by trying to cling to your ass backward ways. You count on stupid fuckin yuppies to continue to buy your shit. Get your lame ass buggies the hell out of the middle of the road. You shelter the hell out of your kids then let them experience real life before they commit to your ways and they always get fucked up.

In conclusion: Pay your shit and if you're going to live your pious life stop jerking me around. Live it already and get the fuck off the roads that our big ass diesel dump trucks built. And stop breeding dogs like chickens (or worse). Got it Ishmael?

I'd love to drop a big bomb filled with playboys and booze right on Lancaster county.

Bye GM

So it seems almost inevitable that GM will either file chapter 11 or just completely go out of business. I can't imagine Obama will give them the $30billion they require to stay afloat.

Bye.

I have no pity for GM. Let's take a look at some of their flagship vehicles shall we:
-Hummer 2 - fuck these overgrown pieces of shit, starting at $50k getting 10mpg to take little Connor to soccer practice
-Escalade - another useless overgrown gas guzzling POS. Wait, they don't cost enough to begin with, better slap some 24s on it
-Corvette - 'vettes are sick and are not meant to be everyday transportation. Corvette, you are excused
-Impala - pretty boring, average to poor mpg, expensive w/ a base price of $25k.
-Malibu - is that an Impala? I can't tell the difference
-Silverado Pickup - starts at $21k for a stripped down 2-wheel drive work truck? I paid slightly more than that for my 4wheel drive long bed w/ auto trans in a DECENT economy. You're not blowing me away by topping out at 21mpg either
-Tahoe/Suburban - a slightly differenter (yeah, differenter) Hummer (see above for rant)
-HHR/Equinox/Traverse - what the fuck are you things supposed to be. Do people use you for work trucks, are you for families or do you just drive around looking stupid?
-Cobalt/Aveo - Wow, the Aveo is an ugly, bitchy little car. Bet it gets great mpg though. Right? No, it TOPS OUT at 34mpg. Probably going downhill with a tailwind being driven by a jockey with the windows up and no a/c. Oh cool, it's only $13k to start (Nissan's superior Versa starts under $10k)

Here's something I learned in my research: The new Corvette ZR1 produces an astonishing 638hp and can top out at 190mph. That's sick!! You know what's sicker? It gets 26mpg. Why can't I get a pickup with 200 measly hp that gets better than 15? Head scratcher there.

GM's website proudly proclaims 'Choose from 83 different models!'. Who the hell needs that much choice? No wonder they're going out of business. How are you supposed to effectively market and support 83 different models? There should be about 1/4 of that number. 1 little car, 2 sedans, 1 sports car, 1 exotic, 1 tiny SUV, 1 little SUV, 1 almost big SUV, 1 van and 2 pickups. That's 11 models that cover almost every base. OK, bump it up to 13 by adding an 'everyman' sports car and maybe 1 of those stupid crossovers.

The world does not need any more damn Hummers, Tahoes or Suburbans. Take a page out of Volvo's book GM. They have like 4 models and seem to still be successful. Even the other members of the big 3 have significantly fewer models.

I feel sorry for the workers that will probably lose their jobs. This will leave many households and even communities in ruin.

The only thing I can think of that will save GM is either a huge bailout that they will never have to repay or forced nationalism through excessive tariffs on imports or some shit. Oh wait, all the imports are made in Kentucky? Guess that plan is out the window. People these days seem more proud to have a foreign car that gets better mpg than one that was made in our own country. Maybe I'm a little hypocritical as I've owned a Volvo (great car btw).

We had our own little 'state of the company' talk today. I was happy to learn that when times were good my company had the foresight to sock money away and expand in a responsible and cautious manner. Because of this we're actually positioned to swoop in and take advantage of our flailing competition. Maybe GM could have stolen a page out of good ol' Alliance Material Handling's playbook. Hooray me!

Shoot on Site

I've often envisioned driving around w/ a 50 cal mounted to the roof of my truck to wipe out butthole drivers instantly. This morning I saw a headline that made me want to institute a 'shoot on site' law for people that are just useless.

http://www.comcast.net/articles/news-general/20090303/ODD.McNuggets.911/

So you call 911 because McDonalds can't supply enough McNuggets to satisfy your fat ass? sure, McNuggets are delicious but running out of them by no means entitles you to call 911. Fucking waste of skin and resources. This person I'm sure has nothing good at all to contribute to society.

Enter - Terminator Law
Tweek and I came up with this law and swore if either of us was elected to a high enough office we would enact it. Basically it gives us the right (or duty) to drive around with roof mounted cannons and eradicate the world of morons.

From top to bottom these are the people I would target:
-Murderers
-Rapists
-Pedophiles
-Drug Dealers
-Animal Abusers
-Back yard breeders
-Amish (I'll rant about them later)
-Really fat people
-People that don't use their turn signals
-Fans of American Idol
-Soccer Moms
-People like the fat bitch in the article
-Anyone that has kids while already ON welfare

This is a list of people the world can do without.

Disclaimer: I don't really want anyone to die, it's just a rant

Profound

I said some pretty profound shit this weekend and I wanted to write it down before I forgot it all.

A) 'The sky is perfect except for a sliver of moonlight'. This was said whilst sitting in a hot tub after a day of solid skiing in VT. I was told it sounded like it should be in a poem. The sky was perfect for the record.

B) 'I can better myself in almost any way with the appropriate amount of dedication with the exception of incurable disease and baldness'. This was just me bitching about people not taking enough personal responsibility. Will I follow through on this claim? Maybe. I'm starting to slowly pick away at my imperfections.

C) 'West Virginia does not have a substantial enough infrastructure to necessitate large state sales tax or to have to rely on tourism to survive'. Who the fuck talks like this? I was in a Honda driving down the road! Who was I trying to impress? There was only 3 of us in the car! This did lead to a pretty good conversation about perception. You can't sound like a dumbass all the time. The quote was born from a conversation about how VT has such low sales tax but still survives as they have limited exports.

Presidential Address - 2/24/09

I'm not sure I've ever had so much national pride as I did when this speech was over.

Finally, someone stood on that podium and stated the words 'climate change'.

Finally, someone was brutally honest enough to say that there was no easy way out of this recession. It's going to take a long time and a lot of hard work. Working in an employee owned company I've started working harder to ensure my future and I really hope the trend catches on.

Here's my take on a couple of points from tonight's speech:
-Renewable Energy: What he said was great but not nearly specific enough for me. I would have liked to seen more of a plan laid out. I also hope these contracts are doled out resposibly as this opens up the door for a ton of corruption.
-Education: One year of national service to ensure you will have an affordable education? Love it.
-The Wars: This was the first Presidential address I've seen in 7 years that didn't lead with the war. I'm glad he didn't spend lots of time on this because I think we all know where he stands on both Iraq and Afghanistan. I suppose it's too early in the administration to hear any real specific plans on these conflicts.
-Auto Industry: I really hope Obama's push for more reliable renewable energy translates to the auto industry somehow. Everybody keeps blaming the EPA for keeping technology down. What a bunch of shit. Lazy asses... It wasn't that long ago that the best selling car in this country was the Ford Taurus. What the hell happened? The cars got ugly and even more unreliable (and over priced). My Ford truck has 160,000 miles and has only cost me about $2,000 in unplanned maintenance in the 6+ years I've had it. I feel really lucky but this should actually be normal. It probably is for Honda owners.
-Credit: I turned to my roommates when he was saying that banks needed to lend again and said if a bank would give me a loan I could afford a house. Then it struck me that I can't get a loan because of outstanding debts. Wow, financial institutions making irresponsible loans. I guess I'm as guilty as anyone else.
-The deficit: I think this was my favorite part of the entire speech. It's time for everybody to open up the books and start cutting fat. From our federal government to my company to my own household. 2 trillion dollars cut in 10 years? I bet they can find way more than that.

So my company is due for our own little 'State of the Union' address in a week or so. I really hope the higher ups were as inspired as I was by this speech and come to us with a plan. I'm so damn sick of everyone saying 'Oh, we just need to get through this' or 'I have no idea how we're going to get through this' (speaking of the recession). Work harder, cut the fat, show some initiative and just shut the fuck up about it! Mostly, have a plan. Everyone should have a plan.

Stereotypes

I get most of my news from the homepage on Comcast on my way to check my email so please bear with me.

I saw the headline 'Woman Fails Driving Test 775 Times' and I thought to myself 'there's no way it could be an Asian, that's just way to funny'. Yeah, well, guess what. Asian Lady.

I'm often guilty of believing stereotypes. I'd be flat out lying if I told you I always wait to know a person before I judge them.

fun pics free.com-Funny Pics and Crazy Pictures

Is buying into stereotypes tantamount to racism? I'll be honest, I don't trust people with mullets or cornrows (let alone cornrow mullets if such a beast exists). Name one stand up person that has either one of these hairstyles. MacGuyver? Allen Iverson? Wear a pink popped collar shirt to a bar with sunglasses on your head at night? You're a douche.

You can't help but judge people immediately based on looks. Why do you think people dress up for interviews and court? Stereotypes.

Gonna drink Captain till I die so my Mom can be Rich

It's stories like this that really piss me off:

http://http://www.comcast.net/articles/news-finance/20090218/Florida.Smokers/

Go ahead. Blame Marlboro for making you a chain smoker. Blame McDonalds for making you a fatass. I hate these fucking people!!!!! Own up to your shit!

Somehow the jury decided this guy was 58% responsible for his habit. How the hell they figured that out is beyond me. Truth is, he was 100% responsible for his horrible habit. Yeah, horrible. I hate smoking but I hate companies getting blamed for shit like this even more.

I think I'll sue Seagrams because I'm not a rocket scientist. It's not because I was too lazy to finish my engineering degree, it must have been the rum.

Movies - Overrated/Underrated

While I'm walking the dog my mind tends to wander. I mean, it's just me, the dog and nature. Today I started thinking about movies that sucked and it turns out some of these movies were pretty highly touted. Conversely, some are very much under appreciated. Here is my list:

Overrated:
Titanic-
God I fucking hate Titanic (the James Cameron version). The sad thing is I've always liked Dicaprio's acting but I think that this movie is actually his worst. 10 years later the special effects don't even hold up. Drawn out piece of shit. Also highest grossing movie ever. You get like one topless moment and it's not even that great.

Underrated:
The Patriot-
This to me was Mel Gibson's attempt at an American Braveheart. The movie kicks ass the whole way through with the exception of Heath Ledger's character being a little bitch (makes up for it in Dark Knight). It's a little unrealistic but then again there aren't allot of Revolutionary War movies out there.

Overrated:
There's Something About Mary-
When this movie came out and for a couple years afterwards it was hyped up as the funniest movie of the decade. The entire f'n decade! Are you kidding me!?! The movie has some mildly average moments at best. One scene that people still talk about. That's it. I don't even know any quotes from the movie except 'frank and beans'. The sad thing is I'm a Stiller fan. Which will become evident, now.

Underrated:
Zoolander-
To me this is one of the funniest movies of all time. Hilarious from start to finish. Very, very quotable. Stiller is fantastic, Owen Wilson is tolerable and Will Ferrel is probably in his funniest role ever as the twisted fashion designer Mugato. 'I'm getting the black lung Pop',' You can deri lick my balls capitain','It's a walk off'. Classic.

One more gripe: How the hell did Saving Private Ryan not win best picture in '98? How!?!

Technology will save us all

I think the only thing that will pull us out of this recession is innovation. That's why I'm glad there's this:

NASCAR

So on the morning of the biggest event of the season for NASCAR I feel I need to defend my decision to actually watch and enjoy this event.

Flash back to 1999. I used to watch the NASCAR highlights just for the wrecks. 'Bunch of dumbass hillbillies ridin around in circles' I would say. Then a friend of mine drug me to a race, kicking and screaming the whole way. That morning we woke up at 3 am to start our trek to Dover which was only about an hour away. It took about 3 hours to get there. Once we pulled in the lot we started drinking. Yeah, do the math, it was about 6 in the morning. I was bs'ing with some people next to me and I'm all like 'Yeah this is my first race'. They swore I would be hooked. I didn't believe them.

I had watched parts of the Daytona 500 that year and I saw a rookie driver kicking ass so I figured I should get a shirt or something so I would fit in. I walked to the merchandise trailers and got a Tony Stewart shirt (who I pull for to this day) then we made our way into the stands.

The fly by during the national anthem was cool but it couldn't prepare me for what was about to happen. 43 cars w/ 800+ horsepower each pulled up slowly to the starting line and then the green flag dropped. It was unbelievable. They roared by like freakin thunder or something.

Needless to say I was now hooked on NASCAR.

Since then I've been to about 20 races. Here's what the best part of the 'sport' is: In all of these races there are about 100,000 fans (sometimes more). Everybody's drunk. Everybody's rooting for different drivers. Guess how many fights I've seen considering these numbers. None. Not even one brawl. Try going to an NFL game and let me know how many fights are in your section alone. These are the greatest fans I've ever been around. Run out of charcoal? That's ok. Just ask your tailgating neighbor. Even if they are Gordon fans...

So mock it if you will. Laugh at me for my redneckishness. But I dare you to give the experience a shot one time. You might, begrudgingly, have fun.

This shit is sad

I saw this on craiglslist and it gets to me everytime.

A Letter from a Shelter Manager

I think our society needs a huge "Wake-up" call. As a shelter manager, I am going to share a little insight with you all...a view from the inside if you will.

First off, all of you breeders/sellers should be made to work in the "back" of an animal shelter for just one day. Maybe if you saw the life drain from a few sad, lost, confused eyes, you would change your mind about breeding and selling to people you don't even know. That puppy you just sold will most likely end up in my shelter when it's not a cute little puppy anymore. So how would you feel if you knew that there's about a 90% chance that dog will never walk out of the shelter it is going to be dumped at? Purebred or not! About 50% of all of the dogs that are "owner surrenders" or "strays", that come into my shelter are purebred dogs.

The most common excuses I hear are; "We are moving and we can't take our dog (or cat)." Really? Where are you moving too that doesn't allow pets? Or they say "The dog got bigger than we thought it would". How big did you think a German Shepherd would get? "We don't have time for her". Really? I work a 10-12 hour day and still have time for my 6 dogs! "She's tearing up our yard". How about making her a part of your family? They always tell me "We just don't want to have to stress about finding a place for her we know she'll get adopted, she's a good dog". Odds are your pet won't get adopted & how stressful do you think being in a shelter is? Well, let me tell you, your pet has 72 hours to find a new family from the moment you drop it off. Sometimes a little longer if the shelter isn't full and your dog manages to stay completely healthy. If it sniffles, it dies. Your pet will be confined to a small run/kennel in a room with about 25 other barking or crying animals. It will have to relieve itself where it eats and sleeps. It will be depressed and it will cry constantly for the family that abandoned it. If your pet is lucky, I will have enough volunteers in that day to take him/her for a walk. If I don't, your pet won't get any attention besides having a bowl of food slid under the kennel door and the waste sprayed out of its pen with a high-powered hose. If your dog is big, black or any of the "Bully" breeds (pit bull, rottie, mastiff, etc) it was pretty much dead when you walked it through the front door. Those dogs just don't get adopted. It doesn't matter how 'sweet' or 'well behaved' they are. If your dog doesn't get adopted within its 72 hours and the shelter is full, it will be destroyed. If the shelter isn't full and your dog is good enough, and of a desirable enough breed it may get a stay of execution, but not for long . Most dogs get very kennel protective after about a week and are destroyed for showing aggression. Even the sweetest dogs will turn in this environment. If your pet makes it over all of those hurdles chances are it will get kennel cough or an upper respiratory infection and will be destroyed because shelters just don't have the funds to pay for even a $100 treatment.

Here's a little euthanasia 101 for those of you that have never witnessed a perfectly healthy, scared animal being "put-down". First, your pet will be taken from its kennel on a leash. They always look like they think they are going for a walk happy, wagging their tails. Until they get to "The Room", every one of them freaks out and puts on the brakes when we get to the door. It must smell like death or they can feel the sad souls that are left in there, it's strange, but it happens with every one of them. Your dog or cat will be restrained, held down by 1 or 2 vet techs depending on the size and how freaked out they are. Then a euthanasia tech or a vet will start the process. They will find a vein in the front leg and inject a lethal dose of the "pink stuff". Hopefully your pet doesn't panic from being restrained and jerk. I've seen the needles tear out of a leg and been covered with the resulting blood and been deafened by the yelps and screams. They all don't just "go to sleep", sometimes they spasm for a while, gasp for air and defecate on themselves. When it all ends, your pets corpse will be stacked like firewood in a large freezer in the back with all of the other animals that were killed waiting to be picked up like garbage. What happens next? Cremated? Taken to the dump? Rendered into pet food? You'll never know and it probably won't even cross your mind. It was just an animal and you can always buy another one, right?

I hope that those of you that have read this are bawling your eyes out and can't get the pictures out of your head I deal with everyday on the way home from work. I hate my job, I hate that it exists & I hate that it will always be there unless you people make some changes and realize that the lives you are affecting go much farther than the pets you dump at a shelter. Between 9 and 11 MILLION animals die every year in shelters and only you can stop it. I do my best to save every life I can but rescues are always full, and there are more animals coming in everyday than there are homes. My point to all of this DON'T BREED OR BUY WHILE SHELTER PETS DIE! Hate me if you want to. The truth hurts and reality is what it is. I just hope I maybe changed one persons mind about breeding their dog, taking their loving pet to a shelter, or buying a dog. I hope that someone will walk into my shelter and say "I saw this and it made me want to adopt". THAT WOULD MAKE IT WORTH IT

General Stupidity

I declare that roughly 60% of our population is just flat out stupid. I never really believed this growing up but as I've gotten out into the real world my eyes have certainly been opened.

I bet you don't believe me. That you say to yourself 'How can the majority of people be stupid?'. I had trouble believing it myself and it never occurred to me until a few years ago why.

You see, I was lucky enough to have parents that cared about my education. Even in Kindergarten I would stay after with the teacher so I could catch up to the upper echelons of the class. By middle and high school I was always in the above average classes. This is where I started losing touch with the nation's stupidity.

Because I was surrounded in school by kids of above average intelligence I thought this was how the rest of the world was, mostly. I still knew there were a bunch of dumbasses but it never occurred to me how many.

When I got out of high school and moved to college I was in high level engineering classes. No real dumbasses there so my blurred perception continued.

It really wasn't until I started in the workforce that I realized how many idiots there really were. Sometimes I would try to explain a simple concept to these guys and they would look at me with these glazed over expressions and I could tell their brains just froze in their tracks.

Think about it; most that will read this blog are in the same boat as me. That is, blinded from all this stupidity through school and technical careers. I ask you to do one thing if you really don't believe me. Try going going to the MVA one time. (Or the South).

It's not even a reflection on gender or race either. I was watching this woman and some dumbass kids at a bar this past weekend and I swear she sound like she was saying 'duh, uh, derrr, like duh'. From her outward appearance this woman bore the trappings of someone at least mildly intellignet. Not so. She was a complete and utter nitwit. Trophy wife you say? Doubt it, just dumb.

Some examples of our nation's stupidity:
-Bush was elected
-Bush was elected again
-American Idol is popular
-Carlos Mencia had his own show
-Sarah Palin
-Congress spends more time on sports and PC issues than fixing our country
-McDonalds has pictures on their cash registers
-People find it clever to use this: :)

Some things to watch that scream stupidity:
-anybody interviewed on local news at a crime scene
-most pro athletes trying to weasel out of something
-soccer moms trying to drive SUVs
-right wing conservatives
-left wing liberals
-today's children's programming (just bright colors, no substance)
-local news
-drunk girls age 21-24
-any comment left after a news story on any site (mainly Yahoo!)
-spelling on web posts
----sidebar - I was going to add Springer to this list but it's a given
-daytime court shows
-criminals on Dog the Bounty Hunter (I know people like this)

Look at the look on the dipshits face that ran our country for 8 years. Damn!

Dodging Bullets

I work acroos the hall from the President of my company. Most times the door is wide open. Today, not so much. It seems our recession has finally infiltrated my little corner of the world.

We're a fairly small company of about 180 employees working out of 3 branches. Today 11 of those employees were let go at my location alone. Some of these people had been with the company for 10, 15 even 20 years and most were good at what they did.

Now most times I never fear losing my job. I always tell myself 'Hey, even if I do lose my job I'll have another one by tomorrow'. Now I'm not so sure. Lucky for me I was pulled aside with a couple other people and told I was safe and that they need me to help get through this tough patch.

You know why I'm still there? It aint because of my bouncy fuckin personality, that's for sure. It's because I can do way more stuff than my actual job calls for. It's because I force my employers to view me as indespensible. New ideas, innovation and all that crap.

Apparently just doing your job at an acceptable level isn't good enough these days. I'm ok with that. I don't care for people getting blindsided and losing their jobs but I guess that's just the harsh reality. I was lucky to be raised with a strong work ethic where going above and beyond was commonplace.

Sidenote-I was walking down the hall yesterday and asked the HR person when our awards banquet was going to be ('cause I'm all about a free lunch) and she just kind of brushed me off. Now I know she wasn't just being ignorant.

Oddly enough one of the headlines on my Comcast homepage said 'Jobless rate hits 34 year high'. Most times I don't know people that are associated with statistics. Then I saw this which was fairly hilarious:

I guess what I fear is for my hard work to not even matter one day. For the economy to get so bad that they just shitcan me anyway. Man that would piss me off.

And that brings me to my point. Michael Phelps. This asshole just so happens to be decent at swimming and everybody kisses his ass and gives him sponsorship deals and tons of money and do you know what his only job for the next 3 years is? Keep your fucking nose clean and be a marketable athlete. Piece of shit couldn't even get that right. I wonder if being a horsefaced douche is in his new book. Bitch.

What I miss from the 90s

So I'm starting to get this 'old man' disease where if something comes out that you didn't grow up with it must suck. Granted, a lot of stuff does suck so here is a small list of things I miss from the 90s:

1-Funny network TV shows

Case in point, Seinfeld. I can watch reruns of this all day. 10 years after it went off the air people still use the catch phrases in everyday life. Classic. How about the first couple years of Friends? Good shit. I'm sorry but Scrubs and Earl got nothing on Seinfeld.

2-Groundbreaking Music

One thing that really does suck today is music. Bunch of talentless hacks. Anyway, when grunge came out in the early 90s it kicked ass. It was almost like a 'remember where you were' moment. I even remember were I was the first time I heard Pearl Jam. You might not have agreed with grunge with all it depression and such but at least you know what it was about. I can count on one hand some bands that have come out in the past couple years that actually have talent. What's grounbreaking? What's the sound of the new millenium?

3-Good hip-hop/rap

What has taken the biggest fall since the 90s in my humble opinion is rap. The 90s started really strong w/ NWA and Public Enemy and got even better a few years later with the emergence of Dr Dre, Snoop, Ice Cube, etc. It evened finished the 90s strong with Eminem and a few good Beastie Boys albums. Now it's all this dirty south crap where they say the same goddam line over and over and over again and then you do some dumbass dance to it (see; soljaboy). It has also lost any relevance to society. That's what rap is supposed to be, a reflection on society. That's why it was good. Now it's about grills and other various dumb shit. Dre's gone, Eminem retired and poor Flavor Flav is stuck on VH1. Al least someone agrees w/ me.

4-The 90210 look

Bear with me here. The kids on 90210 set the fasion trends for most of the 90s with the hair and the Guess jeans and button down shirts. Let's not forget the most important fashion aspect, the sideburns. I looked damn good in this shit. Now I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts (under long sleeve shirts) and have no hair. That look back then was so much sharper and cleaner now everybody's just fuckin lazy with how they look. I blame Ashton Kutcher.

A quick list of things I don't miss from the 90s: pagers, Creed, dail up modems, Zima

Recession Cure = Dollar Menu

Apparently there's one company that's not hurting from the economy; the good old golden arches. http://www.comcast.net/articles/finance/20081022/BUSINESS-US-MCDONALDS/

I've been down this road before after suffering a few personal 'recessions'. How often can you get a hot meal for under $5? Problem is it's not really that healthy (little bit of an understatement).

No f'n wonder the nation is so damn fat! Have you ever comparison shopped skinless chicken breast vs. Ramen noodles? Lean ground sirloin beef vs. Ground Chuck? $0.49 pot pies vs. making it yourself? You've got to be fairly sharp and committed to eat well on a budget.

I know people that eat this shit everyday. You know why? Yep, cheap and easy.

As I mostly love capitalism this is not a knock on McDonalds or any other purveyor of shitty fast foods. They don't hide who they are. You are not forced to eat a Big Mac.

What pisses me off though is the parent that counts on this food as the staple of their child's nutrition. The ultimate in laziness. Soccer Moms are mostly guilty of this and I have known parents (actually wealthy) that will cram this crap down their kid's gullets on a daily basis.

I was a lucky child. My Mom was not lazy and we viewed our rare fast food excursions as a treat, never a meal. Luckily this is something that has stuck with me as I've gotten older.

Thanks Mom.

Michael f'n Vick

So apparently the most nut job of all animal rights group actually extended this piece of shit an olive branch. PETA offered to shoot a PSA with this son of a bitch speaking about dog fighting. Vick's attornys agreed and then said, 'Oh, while you're at it, how about you support his return to the NFL?'. PETA was all like, 'fuck you' and they withdrew their offer to shoot the spot.

Are Vick's lawyers part time congressmen or something? Taking a good idea and then tacking all this crap on the back end to fuck it up.

Typically I don't care for PETA because most times their tactics are irresponsible and make people disassociate with them, but this time they were actually willing to forgive a little and do some good.

If you want to see the carnage Vick left behind I urge you to try to find the episode of Dogtown on the National Geographic Channel. I think it was two parts. Anyway, it chronicles the journey of the dogs that made it out of that hellhole and were actually given a chance at rehab. It's unfortunate that many of them will live out their lives in that shelter due to the agressive tendencies they learned from Vick and his cronies. Their fate is still far better then the ones that didn't make it out.

AFC Championship

I've been trying to think of really cool sayings to try to bring today's game into perspective but so far my mind can't begin to fathom the intensity of what's about to happen. This sums it up nicely:

Greatest Video Game Character Ever

Hands down, Super Tecmo Bowl's Bo Jackson. Mario, Sonic, Master Chief, they got nothing on him. Don't believe me? Watch:

These are the stats I piled up using him w/ my keyboard controls one time:

2009

So every once in a while I would write a blog on myspace but apparently it's not cool anymore so I'll use this site to vent from time to time. Maybe one day I'll write something profound.

Anyway, I've been looking forward to this upcoming year. I'm not sure the exact reason but I guess I know things can only get better than 2008. A quick summary of 'tragedies' that occurred last year for those that don't know:
-worked over by unemployed roommate and left w/out power for 6 days
-Prime (my dog) had Lyme disease
-chipped a bone in my finger w/ a giant hammer
-Brother wrecked my truck
-Bank reposed my truck on a clerical error
-Random police raid w/ guns in my face and my dogs life threatened
-and various other dumb shit

You know what I've come to realize? I'm being kind of a bitch about it all. Tons of worse stuff happens to lots of people every day but I can't stop telling the story about how I was inconvenienced for an hour or how I lost all kinds of money. Here's another list of things that happened to me last year:
-cool new roommate
-won employee of the year doing a job I truly enjoy
-made the most money I've ever made
-vacationed at OBX, Wisp, New River Gorge, Disc Golf courses, etc.
-drank like I was 20 yrs old more times than I can remember
-got decent at golf again and played a lot
Summation: lots of good times w/ friends I really enjoy

Prime's over his disease, I have my truck back and I'm facing the demons (financially) that I created in my 20s and hid away. Oh yeah, the cops haven't been by in a while.

I've been going around saying last year was the worst year of my life. I'm starting to think it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know I kind of sound like Doogie Howser at the end of an episode so please don't make fun of me. Like I said in the beginning, I'm just getting stuff off my chest.

I'm done wearing last year like some kind of thug 'badge of honor'. Maybe we've all been a little spoiled in our lives to the point where when a little adversity comes along we sit around and cry about it to anyone that will listen (folks did seem to like the stories though). Yeah, last year sucked but you know what, it could have been a whole lot worse. If my only losses were financial I guess I'm pretty lucky.

2009 will be better. Count on it. It's not going to be because my luck will magically change by flipping over a calendar page. It's going to be me busting my ass to make sure it's better.

Thanks to all that helped me get through it. You know who you are.