Sad News

I'm sure everyone has heard that Michael Jackson died earlier this afternoon. He was by far the greatest entertainer in my lifetime and I've been listening to his music since I can remember.

People die, I get that. The part that is sad is how he will be remembered. Not as the great entertainer he was but as a pedophile. Did he diddle all those little kids? I don't know. What I do know is that he was never found guilty. I also know that most fucking people smell blood in the water better than a great white shark so once the first person made the accusation everyone that had ever met him piled on. If he did actually do these reprehensible deeds you can rest better at night knowing his justice is being served to him right now by whatever religion you think is the right one.

For what it's worth, I'm going to sit here and listen to the rest of Billie Jean and remember the times when I was 6 years old trying to moonwalk on my coffee table.

Pieces of Shit

So I came across this ad this morning on craigslist and it pissed me off to no end:

I bought this puppy for my girls one week ago with tears in there eyes begging me to buy this puppy, after seeing how much work is involved, they want to bail out of there obligations. I would love to keep her but I personally do not have the time at this moment and thought that getting her would be a sound investment so that I would not have to harass any young boys trying to get my girls attention and involve them into the wrong activities. I would like for the puppy to go to a kind home. She is very playful and happy, I would only like this in return for her. I paid 375.00 for her. I will take 350.00. If you are interested please contact immediately. Thanks.

Wow bitch, what a great life lesson you're teaching your little girls (who will surely grow up to be bitches themselves). Take on a responsibility without thinking it through and then just dump it on someone else's lap with no consequences. Oh sorry, you're taking a $25 hit, what a fucking saint.

I almost want to reply to this ad then show up with a girl that can punch this bitch in the face ('cause I can't).

Numb

So our generation is supposed to have been desensitized to sex and violence through the media. I have the unfortunate pleasure of being desensitized through everyday events. As if my 2008 wasn't bad enough please allow me to present another story for your review:

Last Friday morning I was sitting at my desk and was actually quite busy when my phone rang. It was the little brother and the first thing he said was 'You're not going to believe what happened.'

Apparently he went into the basement and found the window had been kicked in.

'Ok', I said 'Start looking around and see what's missing'. A couple minutes later he called back and said my cordless drill was gone. I told him that was enough, call the cops. While he was waiting on the cops he called me back and said both my guitars were gone.

The cops got there and began the investigation. They said it was going to last about 2 hours.

Here's where the story actually takes an awesome turn. Little brother calls me about an hour after the cops showed up and said they got the guy in custody. I said 'Hold that bitch down until I get there'. I left work, checked the house for anything else missing then went to the police station to claim my stuff. After making some smart ass remarks about the meth lab raid from last year I was happy to find that none of my stuff had not so much as a scratch.

This was the 5th offense for this guy and he was already on probation. Not only was he dumb enough to rob some of the items with the least value, he also cut himself on the window getting in , poured gas on the floor to cover his tracks and actually knocked on the door and asked Brother Lou if there had been any disturbances lately. Brother Lou go tot ID the guy at the police station. First degree breaking and entering and burglary - this bitch is going away for a long time.

Doesn't Take Much to Impress Me

Yesterday I got a coupon from a coworker for some free Burger King Burgers and it just so happened that I was passing by one on the way back from an appointment so I figured 'what the hell, let's see how fat you can get'. The coupon was for a free Steakhouse XT and apparently there a couple different varieties. I opted for the Mushroom Swiss.

Typically I never eat fast food unless I'm in a real hurry or I'm drunk so this meal was kind of like a treat.

I got back to the office to eat and after one bite I put this sandwich down in disbelief. It was probably the best food I've ever had from any fast food establishment. This shit was so good they could sell it at Fridays or something for $8. The burger was huge and there was this awesome bbq sauce and the mushrooms actually tasted like mushrooms. Still hesitant to try one? Maybe I should mention it has bacon and onion straws on it too.

I should not be this easily impressed by a fast food burger. I am very disappointed in myself.

Movie Review - Star Trek

***Contains mad spoilers***

Ok, so I was a little biased coming into this movie as I was always a Star Wars fan and really looked down on Trekkies as the nerdiest people on the face of the earth. That being said, I really, really enjoyed the latest entry in the movie series.

I'll start by saying my favorite feature of this movie was the fact that they could have just filled it with cheesy lines but did not. Sure, some of the famous sayings were there but they were done in a pretty humorous way.

The movie started the way any good action movie should, with tons of shit blowing up. The action scenes were excellent and the special effects were probably the best I've ever seen.

Characters: The movie was based around character development and they delivered. I never really watched the original series that much but everyone knows who the players are whether you watched the show or not. The guy that played Kirk was perfect. Kicking ass and banging green chicks. Spock was pretty good too but I think the best job of recreating a character was the guy that played Bones.

My only annoyance with the movie: I didn't really like the fact that they brought the original Spock back and I certainly didn't like the fact that he talks to himself at the end. If I was making the movie I would have had the future Spock make an appearance only to be killed off before any of the current characters showed up. I think in the movie they say he's something like 150+ years old anyway. Time to go.

Here's what makes me angry - Growing up a Star Wars fan I was really looking forward to the Phantom Menace 10 years ago and was very disappointed as I'm sure most of you were. Then, here comes the Star Trek prequel and it kicks ass right out of the gate. Fucking George Lucas....

Anyway, put your coolness aside and see the movie, it kicks ass.

Recipe for an Incredible Day

-Wake Up
-Enjoy Coffeez and Criossantz from Sheetz for breakfazt
-Journey to brew pub and enjoy delicious nut brown ale and heifewiezen (sp?) and spinach/artichoke dip for lunch
-Arrive at parking lot for NASCAR race
-Make drink using 100 proof Captain
-Set up EZ-UP and fire up the grill
-Huddle under EZ-UP during torrential downpour while slugging booze
-Admire crazy hot blonde next to us
-Feast on perfectly grilled brats, corn on the cob and bacon
-Introduce newcomers to Beerski
-Walk to track
-Lose voice screaming for your driver
-Sniff in race fuel and tire smoke fumes
-Watch your driver finish an impressive second
-Laugh like crazy while trying to steal parking cones in a moving truck
-Get 9 hours uninterrupted sleep and wake up without a hangover

Sooth Sayers, Nostradamus, Dreams and Shit

Let me take you back. The date was December 24th, 1992 and I had just fallen asleep. I was 15 years old at the time and like every 15 year old my main concern was getting some wheels. I had this pipe dream that I would get a Mustang and be the coolest kid around. Well, that night I had a dream where I came down the stairs Christmas morning and opened up my last present to find the last box contained a Mustang emblem. It was a pretty cool dream.

So I wake up that Christmas morning and come downstairs to have breakfast and open presents and such all the while not giving much thought to the dream I had just had. I got done with the presents and I had gotten a nice sized check for my 'big present' so I was content. A little bit later my Mom said, 'Jesse, there's one more present. It's outside.' I walked outside and my jaw literally dropped. Perched on the top of the hill soaking up the rays of the rising sun was a candy apple red 1967 Ford Mustang coupe! I've never been so surprised in my life. Disclaimer - we're not rich and I wasn't one of those little spoiled kids that you hate, my Mom and her boyfriend at that time fixed up a real POS for me late nights

The point of the story is to tell you about a dream I had 2 years ago. In this dream I hit the Mega Millions and won exactly 220 million dollars and spent the rest of the dream spending it. I still remember the dream vividly.

Guess how much the jackpot is tonight? Yep, 220 million dollars. I got 10 tickets. Wish me luck.