Sad News

I'm sure everyone has heard that Michael Jackson died earlier this afternoon. He was by far the greatest entertainer in my lifetime and I've been listening to his music since I can remember.

People die, I get that. The part that is sad is how he will be remembered. Not as the great entertainer he was but as a pedophile. Did he diddle all those little kids? I don't know. What I do know is that he was never found guilty. I also know that most fucking people smell blood in the water better than a great white shark so once the first person made the accusation everyone that had ever met him piled on. If he did actually do these reprehensible deeds you can rest better at night knowing his justice is being served to him right now by whatever religion you think is the right one.

For what it's worth, I'm going to sit here and listen to the rest of Billie Jean and remember the times when I was 6 years old trying to moonwalk on my coffee table.

Pieces of Shit

So I came across this ad this morning on craigslist and it pissed me off to no end:

I bought this puppy for my girls one week ago with tears in there eyes begging me to buy this puppy, after seeing how much work is involved, they want to bail out of there obligations. I would love to keep her but I personally do not have the time at this moment and thought that getting her would be a sound investment so that I would not have to harass any young boys trying to get my girls attention and involve them into the wrong activities. I would like for the puppy to go to a kind home. She is very playful and happy, I would only like this in return for her. I paid 375.00 for her. I will take 350.00. If you are interested please contact immediately. Thanks.

Wow bitch, what a great life lesson you're teaching your little girls (who will surely grow up to be bitches themselves). Take on a responsibility without thinking it through and then just dump it on someone else's lap with no consequences. Oh sorry, you're taking a $25 hit, what a fucking saint.

I almost want to reply to this ad then show up with a girl that can punch this bitch in the face ('cause I can't).

Numb

So our generation is supposed to have been desensitized to sex and violence through the media. I have the unfortunate pleasure of being desensitized through everyday events. As if my 2008 wasn't bad enough please allow me to present another story for your review:

Last Friday morning I was sitting at my desk and was actually quite busy when my phone rang. It was the little brother and the first thing he said was 'You're not going to believe what happened.'

Apparently he went into the basement and found the window had been kicked in.

'Ok', I said 'Start looking around and see what's missing'. A couple minutes later he called back and said my cordless drill was gone. I told him that was enough, call the cops. While he was waiting on the cops he called me back and said both my guitars were gone.

The cops got there and began the investigation. They said it was going to last about 2 hours.

Here's where the story actually takes an awesome turn. Little brother calls me about an hour after the cops showed up and said they got the guy in custody. I said 'Hold that bitch down until I get there'. I left work, checked the house for anything else missing then went to the police station to claim my stuff. After making some smart ass remarks about the meth lab raid from last year I was happy to find that none of my stuff had not so much as a scratch.

This was the 5th offense for this guy and he was already on probation. Not only was he dumb enough to rob some of the items with the least value, he also cut himself on the window getting in , poured gas on the floor to cover his tracks and actually knocked on the door and asked Brother Lou if there had been any disturbances lately. Brother Lou go tot ID the guy at the police station. First degree breaking and entering and burglary - this bitch is going away for a long time.

Doesn't Take Much to Impress Me

Yesterday I got a coupon from a coworker for some free Burger King Burgers and it just so happened that I was passing by one on the way back from an appointment so I figured 'what the hell, let's see how fat you can get'. The coupon was for a free Steakhouse XT and apparently there a couple different varieties. I opted for the Mushroom Swiss.

Typically I never eat fast food unless I'm in a real hurry or I'm drunk so this meal was kind of like a treat.

I got back to the office to eat and after one bite I put this sandwich down in disbelief. It was probably the best food I've ever had from any fast food establishment. This shit was so good they could sell it at Fridays or something for $8. The burger was huge and there was this awesome bbq sauce and the mushrooms actually tasted like mushrooms. Still hesitant to try one? Maybe I should mention it has bacon and onion straws on it too.

I should not be this easily impressed by a fast food burger. I am very disappointed in myself.

Movie Review - Star Trek

***Contains mad spoilers***

Ok, so I was a little biased coming into this movie as I was always a Star Wars fan and really looked down on Trekkies as the nerdiest people on the face of the earth. That being said, I really, really enjoyed the latest entry in the movie series.

I'll start by saying my favorite feature of this movie was the fact that they could have just filled it with cheesy lines but did not. Sure, some of the famous sayings were there but they were done in a pretty humorous way.

The movie started the way any good action movie should, with tons of shit blowing up. The action scenes were excellent and the special effects were probably the best I've ever seen.

Characters: The movie was based around character development and they delivered. I never really watched the original series that much but everyone knows who the players are whether you watched the show or not. The guy that played Kirk was perfect. Kicking ass and banging green chicks. Spock was pretty good too but I think the best job of recreating a character was the guy that played Bones.

My only annoyance with the movie: I didn't really like the fact that they brought the original Spock back and I certainly didn't like the fact that he talks to himself at the end. If I was making the movie I would have had the future Spock make an appearance only to be killed off before any of the current characters showed up. I think in the movie they say he's something like 150+ years old anyway. Time to go.

Here's what makes me angry - Growing up a Star Wars fan I was really looking forward to the Phantom Menace 10 years ago and was very disappointed as I'm sure most of you were. Then, here comes the Star Trek prequel and it kicks ass right out of the gate. Fucking George Lucas....

Anyway, put your coolness aside and see the movie, it kicks ass.

Recipe for an Incredible Day

-Wake Up
-Enjoy Coffeez and Criossantz from Sheetz for breakfazt
-Journey to brew pub and enjoy delicious nut brown ale and heifewiezen (sp?) and spinach/artichoke dip for lunch
-Arrive at parking lot for NASCAR race
-Make drink using 100 proof Captain
-Set up EZ-UP and fire up the grill
-Huddle under EZ-UP during torrential downpour while slugging booze
-Admire crazy hot blonde next to us
-Feast on perfectly grilled brats, corn on the cob and bacon
-Introduce newcomers to Beerski
-Walk to track
-Lose voice screaming for your driver
-Sniff in race fuel and tire smoke fumes
-Watch your driver finish an impressive second
-Laugh like crazy while trying to steal parking cones in a moving truck
-Get 9 hours uninterrupted sleep and wake up without a hangover

Sooth Sayers, Nostradamus, Dreams and Shit

Let me take you back. The date was December 24th, 1992 and I had just fallen asleep. I was 15 years old at the time and like every 15 year old my main concern was getting some wheels. I had this pipe dream that I would get a Mustang and be the coolest kid around. Well, that night I had a dream where I came down the stairs Christmas morning and opened up my last present to find the last box contained a Mustang emblem. It was a pretty cool dream.

So I wake up that Christmas morning and come downstairs to have breakfast and open presents and such all the while not giving much thought to the dream I had just had. I got done with the presents and I had gotten a nice sized check for my 'big present' so I was content. A little bit later my Mom said, 'Jesse, there's one more present. It's outside.' I walked outside and my jaw literally dropped. Perched on the top of the hill soaking up the rays of the rising sun was a candy apple red 1967 Ford Mustang coupe! I've never been so surprised in my life. Disclaimer - we're not rich and I wasn't one of those little spoiled kids that you hate, my Mom and her boyfriend at that time fixed up a real POS for me late nights

The point of the story is to tell you about a dream I had 2 years ago. In this dream I hit the Mega Millions and won exactly 220 million dollars and spent the rest of the dream spending it. I still remember the dream vividly.

Guess how much the jackpot is tonight? Yep, 220 million dollars. I got 10 tickets. Wish me luck.

Why I'm So Biased

So I've written a few blogs about the automobile economy and I always stick up for Ford. I feel I should lay out a couple reasons why. So, without further dudes, here are some stats on my truck:
2003 Ford F150, V8, extended cab, long bed
-Purchased new October '02, 9 miles on the odometer (I added 5 in the test drive)
-This morning 163,500 miles, Six and a half years old
-Total money spent excluding standard maintenance: about $1,000
-Reposed: twice (each one bank error and me being lazy)
-Things jumped over: sand dunes, snow drifts
-Driven on beach: six years in a row
-trips to Florida: 4
-Trips to Vermont and points north: 4
-Most dogs hauled: 4
-Most people hauled: 6
-Boats hauled: 3
-Max Load hauled: 1 ton (twice the rated capacity)
-Number of times wrecked: 2
-Oil changes: 30+
-Sets of tires: 3
-Things the truck has done more times than I can count: gotten me home safely, never left me on the side of the road, helped numerous friends move, helped set up the March for the Animals, kept firewood in our stove, deterred thieves from breaking into my landlady's garage and looked tough in my driveway

There's a line in a Merle Haggard song that goes 'wish a Ford and a Chevy would still last 10 years, like they should'. He's right, they should.

Obviously I'm knocking on wood so hard right now I just punched a hole on my desk but I think everyone needs something this dependable in their driveways (and lives). With my luck I'll probably end up stranded on the side of the road today.

Oh yeah, please do not comment on how your Honda or Toyota has 200,000+ miles and all that shit because you know what, they have not worked nearly as hard as my truck has. I put it to the test for every one of those 163,000 miles. It was my lifeline when I was self employed and I beat the shit out of it.

Yuppy wanna be lifesaver idiots

So I'm driving up a busy road yesterday afternoon well before rush hour and I come upon some slow traffic. Turns out someone coming in the other direction plowed into a telephone pole and damn near knocked it over. There was carnage everywhere.

Wrecks happen, whatever. Here's what pissed me off. While I tried to turn around and get the hell out of there as fast as I could, a couple people had stopped and gotten out a mere 50 feet from this downed power line.

Boom! A tree fell on the line and there was this exlosion! Did this get these idiots back in their cars and out of the way? No! Fucking idiots thought it was a fireworks show or something.

Boom! Second explosion! I don't know about the rest of you but I'm getting the fuck out of here so the rescue workers (that were already on the scene) could do their work.

So listen dumbasses, get back in your Prius and let these people do their jobs. I don't think you or your mock turtleneck sweater are going to be much help. And wash the gray frost out of your hair. It doesn't make you look smart.

Fuck You, April

With apologies to Fuck You, Penguin please accept the following blog for your consideration.

Hey April, I was driving to work this morning and you know what I got hit with? Snow! It's fucking spring! Where was this shit in December and January when I wanted to go skiing?

May is way better then you April. You have nothing to offer. Opening Day? Sucks. Even cliches write you off; April showers bring May flowers. Ha! May pwn3d you.

I don't know from one day to the next whether to wear shorts or put on a fucking ski coat. This awesome tree in my yard just bloomed and now everything is probably gonna die. Thanks April, I've been waiting all year for that tree. Fucker.

Oh yeah, enough with the rain and wind already.

The Great Convenience Store Debate

As I was driving to work this morning I saw a brand new 7-11 and a sign for a new Royal Farms. That got me thinking about my favorite conv. stores so I figured I'd put it down in blog form. I will rate the stores on the following criteria: food, gas, locations. This will be limited to the Baltimore metro area so it will not include places like Circle K (which I've only been to twice). Here goes.

Food-
The most important criteria for any convenience store and a tough one to pick a winner. Most Royal Farms have really awesome fried chicken and halfway decent subs so they get a B+. 7-11 has the most horrific food imaginable but also has my most guilty food pleasure of all. The cheeseburger big bite. These things are nasty but sooooo good. I douse them w/ chili and liquid cheese for an extra dose of nasty. 7-11, you get a C-. Sheetz for many years was the one store I would never shut up about. I couldn't pass one without going in but they fell out of favor a few years ago because they started getting their heads up their own asses about how awesome they were. Anyway, they've since throttled back and are now in my top 2. Chili mac & cheese kicks ass along with their ridiculously good burgers and pork sandwiches. Sheetz receives an A-. Finally, my favorite. Wawa. They've gone from a simple little sub shop to having any convenience store delicacy you can imagine. Breaded & grilled chicken sandwiches, wraps, soup. Everything. Not to mention the best meatball subs you can get without going to an actual pizza joint. Wawa, I love you, you get an A+.

Gas-
I love all convenience store gas because most of them (with the exception of 7-11) buy their fuel from the cheapest broker and not a standard oil company. Royal Farms typically has the lowest prices depending on location. I guess there's a 3 way tie at the top for fuel with Wawa, Royal Farms and Sheetz. 7-11 is often tied in with Citgo and most locations don't even has gas. Fail.

Locations-
I think royal Farms is becoming a B-more landmark right behind Natty Boh and the O's. You can't go 2 miles in any direction without running into one. There's even a stretch on either Dundalk Ave or Ponka St. where there are 2 stores separated by only 1 block. I never really understood this. Anyway, there's probably more 7-11s but allot of them are in shitholes. I give the victory to Royal Farms. 7-11 second followed by Wawa and finally Sheetz.

In summation, I guess if there was an intersection that had all 4 stores mentioned above and I had my choice I would go to the Wawa.

You Other Websites Need to Step Up

When I was growing up one of my favorite publications was the Bargaineer which could be found in Harford and Cecil counties and was free at most grocery/convenience stores. I would eagerly anticipate the arrival of the next weeks edition and you could always teel because it would be in a different color than the previous weeks'. The Bargaineer had everything in it but was mostly useful for it's auto section. I'm not sure I ever actually purchased anything from the bargaineer with the exception of a cord of firewood or something.

Enter the new millenia. Enter Craigslist.

In my humble opinion craigslist is the most usefull site on the entire internet. I can still click on CNN to get news or whatever but where else can I go to find everything I would ever want? Every time!

Here's a list of things I've gotten off of c-list:
-My house - ok, so I rent but my house is pretty sweet and affordable
-My roommate - I was a little scared about creepy internet guy but it couldn't have worked out better
-My camera - nice camera, cheap
-My bedroom set - I had an idea of my perfect bedroom set and thought I was going to have to build it myself until I found EXACTLY what I was looking for
-My TV - It wasn't good enough that I got a 53" digital projection tv for $300 but the guy found it necessary to throw in the gorgeous Ikea entertainment center in for free
-Little Brothers Car - this hasn't panned out perfectly but it's not the site's fault

I've had good luck selling things on this site as well-
-My Bass and Amp - got exactly the money I was looking for
-Work stuff - I've had 5 sales off this site in the past 2 months

Here's a suggestion for those that may become bored at work; read the 'best of craigslist' entries. These posts are some of the funniest around. I just discovered the rants/raves section which is another hilarious way to get through a slow day at the office.

One thing I would never trust this site for; dating. No f'n way. Too creepy.

Ford keeps doing the right thing

Well, hopefully this is the right thing and it doesn't sink them.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090331/ap_on_bi_ge/ford_car_payments

If you don't feel like reading the article it basically says Ford will cover the payment of your new car purchase for a year up to $700/month if you lose your job. I kind of want to buy a Mustang Cobra and then try to get fired. Just in time for summer!

Maybe it's just a ploy to get GM employees to buy Ford as most of them will be unemployed soon.

This company keeps doing what seems to be the right things. I think if you're going to burn all this damn money on worthless ass GM and Chrysler you should at least give Ford something for running their shit right in the first place. Tax breaks? Fuel efficiency research grants? Something.

You Know It's Good Because It's Made In Germany

There are a few groups of people that I would love to strangle the life out of. Among them are infomercial guys. Mostly I hate Billy Mays as I haven't seen enough of the Shamwow guy to really hate him.

Apparently the Shamwow guy couldn't get enough ass from his TV gig so he had to pay for it. Last month he was arrested for beating up a hooker after she tried to bite his tongue off. Shamwow guy wanted to make out but the hooker was all about business. Kissing a hooker? Gross! Don't you know where that mouth has been? Dumbass.

The whole story instantly made me think of this:

Didn't he watch Pretty Woman? Everybody knows you're not supposed to kiss hookers.

Perfect Movie Casting

I read the other day that someone was going to make a Three Stooges movie and I thought that would be pretty dumb. They did however put together a really top notch cast for this movie. Check this out:
Moe - Benecio Del Toro
Curly - Jim Carrey
Larry - Sean Penn
More than likely this movie is going to suck even with this kind of star power.

I also read a while ago that they were going to make an A-Team movie and John Singleton was to direct but apparently everything is on hold. I started thinking of my own dream cast for this movie. It goes a little something like this:
Hannibal - Bruce Willis (grizzled, tough and funny at the same time)
BA Barracus - Ving Rhames (only big black guy I could think of besides M Clark Duncan)
Murdock - Jim Carrey (I feel he was born for this role)
Face - Brad Pitt (obvious)
Could you imagine this movie?

Some movies I feel were perfectly cast:
-Sleepy Hollow by Tim Burton (Walken kicked ass in a non-speaking role)
-Batman and Batman Returns (who knew Michael Keaton could pull it off. Then Jack and Devito as the respective bad guys, awesome)
-Indiana Jones (they originally had Tom Selleck slated for this role, glad they wised up)
-SlingBlade (who knew Dwight could act?)
-Fight Club (Helena Bonham Carter needs to be in more flicks)
-Unforgiven (still my favorite Clint movie, I know it's an obvious one, sorry)
-X-Men (the original one. I don't know about the comics but from what I hear all the characters were dead on)
-The Last Samurai (call him a quack all you want, Tom Cruise can act)

Here are a couple of my most poorly cast movies:
-Star Wars Episode 2-3 (damn do I hate Hayden Christiansen)
-Batman and Robin (Clooney was the worst Batman ever and who could stand Robin?)
-The Patriot (I love this movie but cannot stand Heath Ledger in it)
-Bad Boys (I never bought Martin Lawrence being a cop)
-Robin Hood (I've always believed Kevin Costner to be really overrated)

That's all I can think of right now.

This Old Lady at the Park

A couple weeks ago we met this old lady at the park near the house and she had 3 dogs of leash and listening to her every command. We chatted with her for a couple minutes and I've seen her up there a couple times and always said hi but it wasn't until today that I actually talked to her for a considerable amount of time. It turns out she's had what I considered to be a pretty cool life. Kids, living in cool places and stuff like that.

Then she told me that she had just moved to the area with her dogs about 2 years ago. I asked 'Oh yeah, where did you move from?'. 'The Bahamas', she said. 'You moved 3 dogs from the Bahamas?' I asked. 'Yep, they're my dogs' she answered matter-of-factly.

Now I'm going to put this into perspective. This self-described decrepit old lady (I guess to be mid 70s) had the patience to move 3 fairly large adult dogs from the freakin Bahamas but all these yuppie fucks on craigslist are getting rid of their dogs because they're too lazy to find a home that accepts pets? Fuck! She's at the park EVERY DAY!

It must be a generational thing. This little old lady can handle 3 dogs, my Mom handled us and dogs and cats and whatever else but nobody now seems to be able to control their shit. Don't believe me? Go on the pets section of craigslist and look how many people are 'rehoming' animals due to work or moving or having kids or just plain fucking laziness. Makes me sick.

My Take on the AIG Bonuses

So I'm sure everyone knows about the AIG bonuses so I'll keep the wrap up short. Basically AIG got close to $200billion in bailout money then spent nearly $200million to pay bonuses. Now everybody is really pissed.

Don't get me wrong, I'm pissed too, BUT I fail to see where an entire week of congressional debates should be spent trying to get this money back. As pissed as I am about this it's not that much money in the grand scheme of things. They're basically spending all this time trying to recoup the cost of 1-1/2 F-22 Raptors (that's what Starscream is for those that don't know).

This shit should have been taken care of before the buyout. Someone should have said 'Look here assholes, we're keeping you from going under w/ our bailout so you're playing by our rules now. Say goodbye to your undeserved bonus fucker.'

Proponents of the bonuses claim they need to remain intact to help with employee retention. Retain the same decision makers that fucked everything up in the first place? Awesome.

You know what, let them keep their bonuses. That way they hopefully stay w/ AIG and don't go to other banks to fuck them up too. Apparently most of these fuckers don't even need the money as some of the money has been given back.

Note to Congress: When you make a mistake and curing it will cost more (theoretically) than just letting it slide, just let it slide and move on to more important things.

JC to Nuclear Subs: Stop Running Into Each Other!!!!!!

For the second time in as many months a fucking nuclear submarine ran into another vessel. This time it was one of ours.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090320/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_us_navy_ships_collide

Of all the millions of square miles in the ocean and the billions of dollars invested in navigation and sonar equipment you would think that a NUCLEAR FUCKING SUBMARINE would be able to avoid anything in it's path.

I'm sure that driving a 100,000 ton machine (or however much they weigh) is not easy, but if I can find a way to park my truck in Fells on a Friday night these highly trained captains can certainly stop putting us on the brink of a nuclear apocalypse and learn how to drive.

Fuck.....

The Hardest I've Ever Laughed in my Life

I just teared up watching this:

There's a special spot in hell for you, you little asshole

The most convenient dog walking park for me is Double Rock Park located smack dab in the middle of frickin Parkville. 'Wow, what a shithole' you must be saying to yourself. Quite the contrary. Double Rock is usually empty, mostly free of trash and even has a cool little waterfall area. With it's 2+ miles of trail I think it's one of Bmores hidden gems. The only problem, sometimes, is the kids.

Most kids I've met there seem pretty cool. Some were sledding one time. Some like to sit on the rocks and just bullshit. There's little bits of stupid graffiti here and there but nothing really glaring.

There's also a really nice park bench made of marble overlooking the waterfall. Not only is it a really nice bench, it was dedicated to the memory of a lady that died of cancer. It has her name and the dates etched right into it. It always made me feel good because I thought 'This bench is going to be here for a super long time. Nobody's gonna mess with that thing. It's too beautiful'.

Wrong.

Today as I climbed up the rocks adjacent to the waterfall I came upon the bench and noticed the 'bench' part (you know, where your ass goes) was ripped off, flipped over and thrown on the ground. I was filled with so much rage I wanted to punch the next little son of a bitch I saw. Lucky for the kid on the bike I saw 15 seconds later I have some restraint. He was actually nice and waved anyway.

The point is this; whether or not you believe in hell, karma or whatever, I feel the bad deeds you do in your lifetime will come back and fuck you right in the ass. I'm by no means a religious man but this is the only thing that keeps me going. That me being a good person and working hard will bring good things to me. I guess it gives me a sense of entitlement. Is that wrong? Maybe.

I've often found solace in the fact that the fucking monsters that can do something like this will get there's in the end. That's why I'm not big on revenge. Karma (or whatever you want to call it) is gonna get those sons of bitches in the end anyway.