Sad News

I'm sure everyone has heard that Michael Jackson died earlier this afternoon. He was by far the greatest entertainer in my lifetime and I've been listening to his music since I can remember.

People die, I get that. The part that is sad is how he will be remembered. Not as the great entertainer he was but as a pedophile. Did he diddle all those little kids? I don't know. What I do know is that he was never found guilty. I also know that most fucking people smell blood in the water better than a great white shark so once the first person made the accusation everyone that had ever met him piled on. If he did actually do these reprehensible deeds you can rest better at night knowing his justice is being served to him right now by whatever religion you think is the right one.

For what it's worth, I'm going to sit here and listen to the rest of Billie Jean and remember the times when I was 6 years old trying to moonwalk on my coffee table.

Movie Review - Star Trek

***Contains mad spoilers***

Ok, so I was a little biased coming into this movie as I was always a Star Wars fan and really looked down on Trekkies as the nerdiest people on the face of the earth. That being said, I really, really enjoyed the latest entry in the movie series.

I'll start by saying my favorite feature of this movie was the fact that they could have just filled it with cheesy lines but did not. Sure, some of the famous sayings were there but they were done in a pretty humorous way.

The movie started the way any good action movie should, with tons of shit blowing up. The action scenes were excellent and the special effects were probably the best I've ever seen.

Characters: The movie was based around character development and they delivered. I never really watched the original series that much but everyone knows who the players are whether you watched the show or not. The guy that played Kirk was perfect. Kicking ass and banging green chicks. Spock was pretty good too but I think the best job of recreating a character was the guy that played Bones.

My only annoyance with the movie: I didn't really like the fact that they brought the original Spock back and I certainly didn't like the fact that he talks to himself at the end. If I was making the movie I would have had the future Spock make an appearance only to be killed off before any of the current characters showed up. I think in the movie they say he's something like 150+ years old anyway. Time to go.

Here's what makes me angry - Growing up a Star Wars fan I was really looking forward to the Phantom Menace 10 years ago and was very disappointed as I'm sure most of you were. Then, here comes the Star Trek prequel and it kicks ass right out of the gate. Fucking George Lucas....

Anyway, put your coolness aside and see the movie, it kicks ass.

You Know It's Good Because It's Made In Germany

There are a few groups of people that I would love to strangle the life out of. Among them are infomercial guys. Mostly I hate Billy Mays as I haven't seen enough of the Shamwow guy to really hate him.

Apparently the Shamwow guy couldn't get enough ass from his TV gig so he had to pay for it. Last month he was arrested for beating up a hooker after she tried to bite his tongue off. Shamwow guy wanted to make out but the hooker was all about business. Kissing a hooker? Gross! Don't you know where that mouth has been? Dumbass.

The whole story instantly made me think of this:

Didn't he watch Pretty Woman? Everybody knows you're not supposed to kiss hookers.

Perfect Movie Casting

I read the other day that someone was going to make a Three Stooges movie and I thought that would be pretty dumb. They did however put together a really top notch cast for this movie. Check this out:
Moe - Benecio Del Toro
Curly - Jim Carrey
Larry - Sean Penn
More than likely this movie is going to suck even with this kind of star power.

I also read a while ago that they were going to make an A-Team movie and John Singleton was to direct but apparently everything is on hold. I started thinking of my own dream cast for this movie. It goes a little something like this:
Hannibal - Bruce Willis (grizzled, tough and funny at the same time)
BA Barracus - Ving Rhames (only big black guy I could think of besides M Clark Duncan)
Murdock - Jim Carrey (I feel he was born for this role)
Face - Brad Pitt (obvious)
Could you imagine this movie?

Some movies I feel were perfectly cast:
-Sleepy Hollow by Tim Burton (Walken kicked ass in a non-speaking role)
-Batman and Batman Returns (who knew Michael Keaton could pull it off. Then Jack and Devito as the respective bad guys, awesome)
-Indiana Jones (they originally had Tom Selleck slated for this role, glad they wised up)
-SlingBlade (who knew Dwight could act?)
-Fight Club (Helena Bonham Carter needs to be in more flicks)
-Unforgiven (still my favorite Clint movie, I know it's an obvious one, sorry)
-X-Men (the original one. I don't know about the comics but from what I hear all the characters were dead on)
-The Last Samurai (call him a quack all you want, Tom Cruise can act)

Here are a couple of my most poorly cast movies:
-Star Wars Episode 2-3 (damn do I hate Hayden Christiansen)
-Batman and Robin (Clooney was the worst Batman ever and who could stand Robin?)
-The Patriot (I love this movie but cannot stand Heath Ledger in it)
-Bad Boys (I never bought Martin Lawrence being a cop)
-Robin Hood (I've always believed Kevin Costner to be really overrated)

That's all I can think of right now.

The Hardest I've Ever Laughed in my Life

I just teared up watching this:

South Park

It was a cold rainy night in the fall of 1997. My buddies and I were settling in for a night of drinking and running some Playstation (1). Little did I know that night would change my life.

My buddy Scott had a video tape with him and he told me that on the video was the funniest, most outrageous show he'd ever seen. I figure 'what the hell' and pop it in the VCR. What followed was the funniest 3 hours I've ever seen in my life. On this tape were the first 6 episodes of a new show. It was called South Park.

Over the next few months the show took over everything (mostly Spencer's and stores like that). I even wore a Beefcake shirt to my company Christmas party that year. Even my Dad watched the show. I was so happy to have something so hilarious in my life. It didn't really have any kind of message and it didn't need to. It was just funny. I figured I better enjoy it while it lasts because this is way too awesome to keep going like this. It's either going to get canceled or it's going to run it's course and just not be funny any more.

Well, it's now almost Spring of 2009 and they just kicked off their 13th season. Is it still funny? You bet your fucking ass it's still funny. To me, the series peaked in it's 10th year. That's right, 10th year. That year brought hilarious episodes such as Manbearpig, Tsst (a spoof on Cesar Millan) and Cartoon Wars which I initially thought was preachy until I watched it again and realized it was just pure genius.

All praise be to Matt and Trey, the creators, writers and voices of South Park. They've been including messages in some of the episodes lately but have never really taken a stance one way or the other. What they do is inject a common sense into the issues while keeping the humor top notch (but raunchy). This carried over in a big way when they branched off and made the movie Team America: World Police where they just laid into everybody.

For a while I was buying dvds of all the seasons and had gotten up to season 5 when I heard about SouthParkStudios.com which is the resource for every uncut episode ever made. All this entertainment at my fingertips? I love you Matt and Trey.

Oh, you don't like South Park because it's stupid? It's supposed to be stupid, it's a comedy, get over yourself.

A list of things which put together would not equal the hilarity of 10 seconds of the worst episode of South Park ever:
-Dane Cook
-Larry the Cable Guy
-any sitcom still on TV
-Carlos Mencia

I know it's going to all come to an end one day and every time they premier a new episode I always think 'Oh damn, this is going to be the year it all comes crashing down. Now it's going to suck'. Lucky for me that time hasn't yet come.

Movies - Overrated/Underrated

While I'm walking the dog my mind tends to wander. I mean, it's just me, the dog and nature. Today I started thinking about movies that sucked and it turns out some of these movies were pretty highly touted. Conversely, some are very much under appreciated. Here is my list:

Overrated:
Titanic-
God I fucking hate Titanic (the James Cameron version). The sad thing is I've always liked Dicaprio's acting but I think that this movie is actually his worst. 10 years later the special effects don't even hold up. Drawn out piece of shit. Also highest grossing movie ever. You get like one topless moment and it's not even that great.

Underrated:
The Patriot-
This to me was Mel Gibson's attempt at an American Braveheart. The movie kicks ass the whole way through with the exception of Heath Ledger's character being a little bitch (makes up for it in Dark Knight). It's a little unrealistic but then again there aren't allot of Revolutionary War movies out there.

Overrated:
There's Something About Mary-
When this movie came out and for a couple years afterwards it was hyped up as the funniest movie of the decade. The entire f'n decade! Are you kidding me!?! The movie has some mildly average moments at best. One scene that people still talk about. That's it. I don't even know any quotes from the movie except 'frank and beans'. The sad thing is I'm a Stiller fan. Which will become evident, now.

Underrated:
Zoolander-
To me this is one of the funniest movies of all time. Hilarious from start to finish. Very, very quotable. Stiller is fantastic, Owen Wilson is tolerable and Will Ferrel is probably in his funniest role ever as the twisted fashion designer Mugato. 'I'm getting the black lung Pop',' You can deri lick my balls capitain','It's a walk off'. Classic.

One more gripe: How the hell did Saving Private Ryan not win best picture in '98? How!?!